I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go