*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
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Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
prepare for carbonated trouble
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.