CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
You Might Also Like
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Hmmmmm
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab