Quadruple digit IQ
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Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.