[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
the Monday after daylight savings
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy