I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados