There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin