Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
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Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”