“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Not today.. 😂
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Need WebMD
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning