I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.