Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
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Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
he looks great for his age
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?