*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
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Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Everyone’s family
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.