I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*