I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
You Might Also Like
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.