I can’t deal with men any longer
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Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Brands during Pride
This meeting could have been a cake
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.