Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad