Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
You Might Also Like
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
another case of gang violins
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.