Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
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Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat