*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
wtf management?!
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
only 11 steps left
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s