Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
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Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.