Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is