Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
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*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?