Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
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I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.