agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Mountain Goat : )
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
There is wisdom there.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies