What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
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doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
get you a girl who
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys