*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I’m awake but I object,
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉