Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.