People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
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Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Confused owl: What?!
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that