Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF