Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
You Might Also Like
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Yup
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Phonetics
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.