Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My beach vacation Google searches