I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
You Might Also Like
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones