Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
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I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.