when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫