I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I can fix him.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.