Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
How to draw a duck
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.