before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
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I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.