*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Can’t. Being lazy.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*