The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
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I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL