“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
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Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Me too 😆
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.