A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.