SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.