<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
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My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Great acting.. 😂
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires