Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”