A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
man: wait
time: no
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.