British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes