*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
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Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help