Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
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Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.