Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
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“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Thursday
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
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The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”