I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
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My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.